Dear Lani: How To Nurture A Sub

Welcome to this week’s Dear Lani, an advice column to answer all your kinky questions. Want to know how a guy gets fitted for a chastity cage? Want to know what gag reflex training looks like? We’ve got your answers, or at least advice…okay, opinion.

Q: How does a Dom/me go about helping and teaching a sub t to be comfortable being themselves as submissives?

A: It starts with a lot of mini-steps involving around small dates and events. With each activity, I like to keep taking more and more controlled choices away from the sub until it becomes a habit for the sub to come to me as their Domme to request something dear to them. Then it becomes my job to do my damn best to make that happen. For instance, with my current sub and husband, it started with me scheduling the date, then it progressed to where we’re going as I learned more about his likes and later, it became surprise dates. And when he would request a certain place to go, I would reward him with the said trip, but on my terms.

When he understood that just because he doesn’t have control doesn’t mean that he doesn’t get what he wants, he started being able to open up to me about anything else he wanted. It wasn’t overnight but it’s a trust that’s built over time, gradually, step by step. On my end, it’s also about picking up on a sub’s natural habits, then encouraging what you like. Build on their strengths and find ways to keep them engaged with going further or learning more. 

The hard part for most, but especially male subs is to overcome the idea that giving up control is derogatory to them in some way. They think being a sub, especially for males, equates to being dirt under my stylish shoe which is not how I see male subs. I see a brute raw quality of the guy bending to my determination and will power. I’m asking a strong soul to cave to my desires and relinquish control to me. Don’t get me wrong, ladies and gent, a hunk of a man candy on his knees cuffed snd looking up at me is a huge turn on, but he is there willingly with trust and that is the best part. 

Another example, I talked previously about my sub hub being a gamer so I style some my dominance after that. HE enjoys the progressing and possible story out of our dates and playtimes. I encourage him to play whatever game makes him happy at the moment, whether it’s old school Mario or more recent ones like Breath of the Wild.

It’s a Dom’s job to be clear on what they require of the sub. Don’t make them effing guess! It backfires all the time! Communication is key to building trust. When the sub feels any kind of unease or unclear instructions, this is when they retreat back into their shell. But with proper encouragement and positive feedback, I’ve always seen a sub flourish and their development of confidence improve over time. And for a Dom/me, there’s nothing more beautiful than watching a sub be sure in their own submission.I

Got a question?

Join the The Muse’s Touch Facebook group to submit your questions and join in on the discussion. Every Tuesday, we’ll be picking one question to answer for the following Monday.

Disclaimer: We are expressing personal opinions and views. These opinions or views are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health professional.

2 thoughts on “Dear Lani: How To Nurture A Sub

  1. I love your explanations/opinions/expertise. And I’m so glad your willing to share with us.
    Thank you

    1. You’re very welcome Lovely! I find that if no one is willing to share their experiences and ideals, there is no way for another to learn and grow. Remember though that these are just our opinions and we do want to hear from Lani’s Lovelies. Without your feedback, I am a Domme who is blind since I cannot observe you intimately. Even if I would love to have the chance at the latter choice, I want you to freely submit your thoughts, questions, and curiosities to us!

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